It has been a few days since my revelations and realizations took hold, but let me tell you that the shift is palpable...and welcome...and wonderful...and joyful.
I'm not completely there yet, accepting myself wholly and fully is going to be a process but I can see it happening...feel it. This morning I walked down main street and where I normally look at myself in the shop windows and think negatively, today my inner dialogue was different...it was more accepting and appreciative, it liked what it saw.
All around me the world is changing and the direction is a glorious one primarily of acceptance and appreciation how can one not help but be happy? When you are happy those around you are happy, and supportive and appreciative and loving and generous and kind...it really is true...the energy you put out into the world is the energy you get back.
I stumbled upon a new to me blog last week and today's' post was a good one. Over at Marc and Angel Hack Life they are talking about the 9 Things you Do NOT Need to Be Happy. Check it out, it is worth the read and will have you realizing how true this list really is.
And because every post needs a photo I thought I'd share something from my 'Beautiful Inspiration' board on Pinterest...
When I turned thirty my world changed...I settled into being me I cared less and less what those on the outside thought or said about me and I found a new sense of self. Now as I approach my fortieth birthday I am feeling a further awakening or embracing of who I am and who I want to be.
My whole life my weight has been an issue for me. I always thought my life would begin if I could just lose the weight...and we are not talking a little weight, we are talking about 75-100 pounds at different points in my life. Then I met my husband and he fell in love with me...curves and all. It was powerful and maybe should have ended my fixation on my weight, but it did not. Together he and I struggle and while we generally eat healthily, we are both stress eaters and he in particular tends to nurture others (read me) through food as he loves to cook. I have devoted so much time and energy to thoughts of my weight and longing to change it, willing the scale to move in my direction, cheering when it did, scowling when it didn't. Too much energy...energy that I can and should be directing elsewhere.
I came across a wonderful photographer who is compiling a book called the 'A Beautiful Body Project'. Jade Beal is an Arizona photographer and mother who is essentially wanting to show the world and it's women just how beautiful our bodies are no matter our size. The images she is compiling are compelling and I will admit, difficult for me to look at at first. I have never seen a real body represented in mainstream media. I have never seen images of real bodies in magazines, or in the movies. I grew up with the Molly Ringwald's the Julia Roberts', the Gwenyth Paltrow's...the apparent ideal body type and image, the one we all strive to become. The one we all relate to as beautiful and sexy. I will never be a Julia Roberts, though I do have a killer smile that could giver her a run for her money... So after I came across Jade's project and read a quote (I do not remember if it was Jade or another photographer and I am paraphrasing) about how he/she has photographed many many women naked and all of them whether a size 0 or a 22...all of them have rolls when they sit down, I realized that perhaps it was time to find a way to embrace this body of mine.
Following Jade on Facebook led me to The Militant Baker who is the fierce young women who took on Abercrombie and Fitch via her own photo-shoot and subsequent media popularity (check her out here), which started a slow paradigm shift in my own mind. I looked at her images and thought why can't that body, not dissimilar to my own be considered sexy? But still it is not what I had been hardwired to consider as appealing and so I continued to fight with the scale, and my wardrobe...or desired wardrobe. I would continually go to my Pinterest board 'Personal Style' and pin outfits like this
As you can well see this beautiful woman is no where near a size 18-20. All of the fashion on my board is of this nature, so far from my reality that all I could do was continue to try to reach that ideal. And then slowly something started to change...slowly I started to see a shift in the fashions showing up on Pinterest for repinning...slowly I started to see this
And then I had the thought to search plus size fashion on Pinterest and whole new world flooded in to me. It had me starting (just last night) a new board called Embracing Me... and I have vowed to immerse myself in this board regularly so that I may see the image of myself, the kind of woman I am beautiful in all my curves.
And so as I move into my forties I will let the number on the scale go...it won't be easy it has been my nemesis for so long. I will focus on my current beauty not an unattainable beauty, and I will focus on making this body, the healthiest it can be, because...
Oh my, it has been a very long while since I sat down at the keyboard in this way to place my thoughts on the digital page and share them with whomever stops by...it feels strange, unfamiliar and a little frightening, but here I am.
It has been over a year since I left my thoughts here on this blog, and for that I would say I am sorry but I am not. The past year has been one of many ups and downs, trials and tribulations, all of which have brought me back here so hello once again.
I read a comment somewhere last week from a teacher that noted that she treats September as her New Year and she was making her resolutions now and I thought that was quite interesting, and appropriate for so many...and me this year in particular.
Both my wee girls are in school full time now, my big girl has graduated college, settled into a good career as a wedding and event planner at a boutique hotel and she has now just gotten her first big raise as they recognize her dedication and hard work...something I am very proud of myself!
My husband turned 40 this winter and I threw him a huge surprise party where I managed to get a personalized video greeting to him from his favorite singer. We traveled to Boston once again to see said fav singer in concert and had a wonderful mini vacay.
I am about to turn 40 and while the number doesn't really bother me too much, I am now at a point where I am trying to decide what I want out of my life, and whether or not I have found it. In many regards, I have. My husband and I just celebrated our fifth anniversary, my children are happy healthy and thriving, and now it seems it is time to turn my attention inward and find out what I want for me.
I see big changes afoot and while I am not sure exactly how things will pan out, or how to make them pan out, I am working on it. I am scared excited and tentative, but know that the direction I am headed will be what is best for me, and for my family. I see relief in the distance and I am anxious to get there.
My mom has always said that 'A change is better than a rest'...here's to more change!
This is going to be a quickie, but I felt compelled to share with you something that I found to be amazing inspiring and inspired. Margot Austin blogged today about the late great Ray Staples...as I have commented to Margot on her blog, Ray is quite possibly the reason I became a designer. She was a straight shooter who wasn't afraid to design, and as you will see in Margot's post, if that meant bullying then so be it! She was a phenom and a wonder and designer or design aficionado alike would be remiss if they didn't know who she was.
Head on over to Margot's blog to see what a wonderful and inspired tribute she put together...
Wow! It has been over a month since my last post and in a strange and totally unplanned twist it was a year ago today I started this here blog. It has been a busy year with lots of change, a few ups and downs, lots of love and a whole lotta laughter.
My oldest daughter has graduated college and is currently living back at home but for how long no one knows. My middle daughter is just finishing junior kindergarten and has not quite come to understand that school finishes next week for the summer, and my baby turned three.
I have been busy at the gallery with clients, artists and growing the business. I have begun doing freelance CAD work for various professionals, done a couple of home staging jobs, expanded my business into another community in partnership with a designer there, and am knee deep in committee work helping to build our community's new brand and loving it. I have also been doing some speaking engagements on customer service and sales to some emerging artists and entrepreneurs. I have been a busy busy bee.
I have thought a lot about this here old blog (I can say that now that it's a year old) and where I want it to go what I want to use it for, and how. Do I have that all figured out just yet, not really, but as time progresses more and more reveals itself to me. For the moment I am happy in my life and where it is taking me and when I can, I will stop by to give you all an update or to give my two cents on whatever meets my fancy.
I haven't even really been on pinterest much lately...that is how busy I have been. But I did find this today and thought it rather appropriate...something we as women need to remember.
Also my lovely daughter has started a blog as well...and if I do say so myself she's pretty darn good. check her out here at Cait- Off the Beaten Path.
I thinks that's all for my one year anniversary post...which once again was just a fluke that I happened to log on and happened to decide to post and it happened to be the exact one year today...too funny...and perhaps a bit of a sign...no?
I just wanted to pop into today to give you an explanation, since those of you who have been kind enough to read this here blog may (probably not...but maybe) be wondering where I got to.
Well I am here, and all is well, health has returned to normal and of that I am so very thankful. the process of healing was an interesting one in that the side benefit was having the time to reconnect with my kids, my mom, and my husband. In so doing I have disconnected from the blog, blogging, and the world of blogs. The few that I have sent to my email I read because they are there, but this is the first time in ages I have logged into blogger and looked at my blog roll.
It is the start of our season here in Muskoka and with the sun shining and the temperature sitting at 27 degrees our corner of the world is heaving. Those of us who own businesses up here have been busy for weeks getting things ready; stock in, stores organized, product displayed all for this most important starting weekend, and it is proving to be one for the record books.
As far as my input into blogland, as you well know there has been none. And the reason is I have not felt that I have anything to add, share, or give voice to in a long time. I haven't felt interesting, or engaging and so as I would in the real world, when I have little to add, I add little. I am not one to talk, or in this case type just for the sake of talking. I have, in a very real sense, felt empty. And though this sounds bad, it really really isn't. I have been living a very full interesting, complex life since my last post, but nothing in this life has inspired me to action on the blog front.
Where will I go from here? I am not sure. Will this little corner of the blog world still exist?...I think so. I trust that at some point in the near future I will feel inspired and with a voice again, and then I will be back at it. But until then, I am here, I am well, and I thank each and every one of you who reads this post. I am checking in though very infrequently, but checking in none-the-less.
I haven't disappeared literally, just figuratively I suppose. Healing and recovery are going well, but not being out in the world is becoming difficult. I am struggling with motivation and inspiration...I should say I was, because over the last few days things have turned a corner for me.
Let me explain...before the surgery and the cyst that precipitated the surgery I was active and in the middle of my weight loss journey. I had lost 40lbs and had about 40 to go. When the cyst was discovered I felt fine and continued to live my active life, but not long after the diagnosis something happened that left me in pain, a lot of pain. A trip to the hospital to a deaf audience it would seem and they felt it was a bladder infection though there was no pathology to support this. No-one wanted to hear about the cyst and no diagnostics regarding it were done. We know now that if they had they would have discovered that the cyst had moved, and twisted, a torsion cyst, which can be quite dangerous. I suspect that if that had been discovered, the surgery would have happened long ago and recovery would be a thing of the past, but c'est la vie. As it was I left the hospital with antibiotics and went about my business. The pain receded and we presumed the 'infection' was gone. I started to exercise again but again was met with pain. I stopped exercising and waited for a few days then tried again to the same outcome, so for the six weeks leading up to the surgery I did not really exercise. This ended up having a very negative effect on me both emotionally and physically. I gained weight and the tiredness I experienced pre weight loss returned. Now my recovery has been a bit more difficult than I anticipated, in that while I physically feel good, I am so very tired much of the time, and I still cannot do much activity. I always thought I hated running, but did it because it was the best way to burn calories...turns out I miss it so very much and now that the weather is turning I am dying to get outside for a run.
Anyhow tired, lacking inspiration yada yada yada...Then last week a friend of mine posted to Facebook about a tough run she'd just had and how she ended up walking half of it. She was disappointed in herself and I thought why is she disappointed she got up a 5am, got out the door on a very windy cold wet morning and ran 10k...ummm hello...hero? So as I sat here that morning thinking about her post I thought 'by jeez if she can do that then the least I can do is lace up my runners and get on the darn treadmill'...so off I went and walked a half hour...I realized I had been stuck in a mode where I felt that if couldn't do what I wanted to do (run, yoga, weights) then why bother with anything at all...silly really but that is in the past.
Then on top of the wonderful motivation my friend unknowingly provided me (I did later message her a thank you and some encouragement) I caught a segment of Ellen interviewing Tom Shadyac a Hollywood producer and director. I didn't see all of his interview but caught that he was promoting a new documentary called Happy
During the interview Ellen asked Tom about his move from his Hollywood mansion to his mobile home...this caught my attention and while I was then distracted by a child in need, when I had time I settled down with my laptop and Google'd Tom Shadyac, what I came across was a documentary he made called I Am. I watched it last night and highly recommend it ( It will explain the move from the mansion).
I have once again found my inspiration, in the people around me and the world at large and cannot wait to get on with things.
I hope your weekend is full of inspiration, love, happiness and health!
