Been awhile...

I haven't disappeared literally, just figuratively I suppose. Healing and recovery are going well, but not being out in the world is becoming difficult. I am struggling with motivation and inspiration...I should say I was, because over the last few days things have turned a corner for me.

Let me explain...before the surgery and the cyst that precipitated the surgery I was active and in the middle of my weight loss journey. I had lost 40lbs and had about 40 to go. When the cyst was discovered I felt fine and continued to live my active life, but not long after the diagnosis something happened that left me in pain, a lot of pain. A trip to the hospital to a deaf audience it would seem and they felt it was a bladder infection though there was no pathology to support this. No-one wanted to hear about the cyst and no diagnostics regarding it were done. We know now that if they had they would have discovered that the cyst had moved, and twisted, a torsion cyst, which can be quite dangerous. I suspect that if that had been discovered, the surgery would have happened long ago and recovery would be a thing of the past, but c'est la vie. As it was I left the hospital with antibiotics and went about my business. The pain receded and we presumed the 'infection' was gone. I started to exercise again but again was met with pain. I stopped exercising and waited for a few days then tried again to the same outcome, so for the six weeks leading up to the surgery I did not really exercise. This ended up having a very negative effect on me both emotionally and physically. I gained weight and the tiredness I experienced pre weight loss returned. Now my recovery has been a bit more difficult than I anticipated, in that while I physically feel good, I am so very tired much of the time, and I still cannot do much activity. I always thought I hated running, but did it because it was the best way to burn calories...turns out I miss it so very much and now that the weather is turning I am dying to get outside for a run.

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Anyhow tired, lacking inspiration yada yada yada...Then last week a friend of mine posted to Facebook about a tough run she'd just had and how she ended up walking half of it. She was disappointed in herself and I thought why is she disappointed she got up a 5am, got out the door on a very windy cold wet morning and ran 10k...ummm hello...hero? So as I sat here that morning thinking about her post I thought 'by jeez if she can do that then the least I can do is lace up my runners and get on the darn treadmill'...so off I went and walked a half hour...I realized I had been stuck in a mode where I felt that if couldn't do what I wanted to do (run, yoga, weights) then why bother with anything at all...silly really but that is in the past.

Then on top of the wonderful motivation my friend unknowingly provided me (I did later message her a thank you and some encouragement) I caught a segment of Ellen interviewing Tom Shadyac a Hollywood producer and director. I didn't see all of his interview but caught that he was promoting a new documentary called Happy

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During the interview Ellen asked Tom about his move from his Hollywood mansion to his mobile home...this caught my attention and while I was then distracted by a child in need, when I had time I settled down with my laptop and Google'd Tom Shadyac, what I came across was a documentary he made called I Am. I watched it last night and highly recommend it ( It will explain the move from the mansion).

I have once again found my inspiration, in the people around me and the world at large and cannot wait to get on with things.

I hope your weekend is full of inspiration, love, happiness and health!

Happy Weekend all!

Coming Clean...

Hi all! So I didn't lie when I said things would be sporadic here for the next little while, but I hope you will all hang in with me as I sort things out.

**Warning...long post no pics.**

Today I thought I would fill you in on what is happening around here, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I think sometimes we get sucked into creating a facade of our lives on our blogs and I want my blog to be honest and authentic to me and who I am. Life is not always a bowl of cherries and things happen that change you either for a few moments or for a lifetime. Perhaps in sharing I can strike a chord with someone else and help them to feel a little less alone, or scared, or sad.

If you have been following along you will know that I am scheduled for surgery at the end of March, however I have not explained what is going on, so I thought I would do that today.

Still with me? Okay...

So last November after working out, I felt a weird sensation in my stomach/belly area. I just figured I had worked out my abs particularly hard and went on about my business. This sensation became present after each workout, but because it was not painful I thought little of it other than 'isn't that weird'.  Fast forward to end of December and one night laying in bed I started feeling around my belly and noticed a rather large lump (I'd say at the time it was about the size of an orange). Now, I had just lost 40lbs so my initial thought was 'maybe this is what one's insides feel like and I just never knew 'cause I had so much fat'. I kept tabs on it for a few days and it didn't go away. Then one night I woke in the middle of the night and it had moved locations...now this was weird, and I thought okay this is not right...time to see the doctor. By this time I would say the lump was about the size of a grapefruit.

As I waited in the doctors office I had a full out anxiety attack...what if I was imagining this? What if it was nothing and I was wasting this busy doctors time?...What if it was something?...What is it, what will happen?...Fear overcame me from both directions and it took everything I had in me not to cry. Enter the doctor. Now my doctor is wonderful, we always say he cares but not too much. He is not an alarmist, if things are fine he's quick to tell you that, and if he is concerned, he is calm and confident and takes appropriate measures. His look was of obvious and immediate concern as he palpated my stomach. Yes there was definitely something there...he palpated a few more minutes trying to get his bearings, and then said he wanted to do a pregnancy test...I joked that if I was pregnant I had some explaining to do as my husband had taken care of things a year ago...not pregnant was the verdict which I knew, so now the real fear set in. What was this? What could it be? What did my future now hold? Well on to the hospital the following week for a CT scan, then back to the doctor immediately following the results...always scary to get that call 'I want to see you right away'. End result I have a cyst the size of a small football and growing. Immediate concern is ovarian cancer, and we will not know until we remove the cyst. On to see the gynaecologist who stems the fear a lot by saying he is fairly certain the cyst is benign...whew! Now we just need to get it out. Thus the surgery. The surgery may result in a complete hysterectomy, but they won't know exactly what they are dealing with until they start...so that is the long and short of things. The details...but what about the emotion of it all...

Well let me tell you the two weeks between seeing my doctor, getting the CT scan and going back to my doctor was hell. I went through every emotion imaginable. An overwhelming fear crept in...what if I was going to die? It seems melodramatic now but at the time the fear was real, palpable, and paralyzing; I have three beautiful girls I need to see them grow up, I need to be there for them. I have a loving husband, I need to love him for a long time. I need to be with him to raise our children, I can't leave him alone to do that. Over those two weeks, I would sing the girls to sleep fighting back the tears. I would then sit in my dark bedroom for a moment to gather myself before returning to my husband. I tried so hard to keep it together, but had moments of losing it, and thankfully have a husband who  handled me in a kind loving way. No one talks about that time in a diagnosis. Nobody talks about when you don't know anything, but fear everything. No one addresses that, but it is real, it is valid and it happens. Whether the prognosis ends up being positive as in my case or not, there is still that period of time when you don't know and have to process the best and the worst case scenario. I'm here to acknowledge that, and to let anyone else who goes into that space know they aren't alone, they aren't overreacting, and they aren't being melodramatic. These are real and justified feelings.

Okay...so now to the present where things are good. I had a little set back a few weeks ago when I was afraid the cyst had ruptured and spent the afternoon in hospital. An unrelated infection it would seem. All looked after now. Pain has surfaced and that has kept me sidelined for a while, but seems to be managable now, so I can return to light exercise...thank goodness. The weight has been creeping back on and that is the last thing I want going into surgery where I will be recovering for a few weeks with no serious exercise. So the next three weeks will be spent getting back on track, being as healthy as can be so that I can minimize my recovery time.

Moments of fear for the worst still surface now and again, but I trust my doctors when they say things look good. I feel good, I feel positive, and am thankful for a loving and supportive husband, family and friends.

Wishing each of you health and happiness!

Reflecting...

I have spent a lot of time reflecting of late.
I am working my way through  a bit of a health issue that has had me in knots for the last few weeks, and wondering what the future will hold and am I prepared for it.


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An appointment with the doctor yesterday allayed some fears but surgery is in the near future and so I continue to plan out the best pathway to maintaining a business and a home through that. I am lucky though, I have a wonderful husband who has been an amazing source of support. My mom is my little angel and so I know all things on the homefront will be well under control. The business will fall to my husband and while I know it will be fine, I feel bad that it will all be on his shoulders for a short while as I recover. I also have an amazing friend who let me offload onto her this weekend, and I am grateful for her loving support now and always.
As I plugged back into blogland this morning I found it interesting that I was not the only one out there reflecting. Shannon at 8foot6 posted a beautiful self portrait and questioned if we need a plan to grow up and be successful. Jen at Rambling Renovators is reflecting on parenting as it is becoming apparent that her daughter may be 'gifted'. She feels ill equipped as a parent sometimes, and was wondering what if anything she should do to help her little one along?


Infinity Rings (69) by Michael Zarowsky- new to the gallery (as in today!)

 With Spring around the corner (hopefully) it seems natural to be thinking of life, growth and moving forward...What have you been reflecting about recently?